Saturday 7 April 2012
Tuesday 3 April 2012
End of the road?
My viva is in two days. Viva is the name of the PhD thesis's defence in the UK. I feel almost relieved but at the same time terrified. I wish I did not have to do this, but I guess this is the only way to finally accomplish what I have being working on for 4 years!! So I cannot wait! it is a big FINALLY! If I am successful, in two days time I am going to feel so free! My PhD has been kind of a torture, a true nightmare... I think most people would say the same, at least most people I know are unhappy and frustrated with their PhD's, but why is that? In my case there are many many reasons.. I think almost everything that can go wrong with a PhD did happen to me! Lets see... Changing projects because first project was no longer funded, waiting a couple of months to know whether there would be any funding at all to continue whatever alternative project... first supervisor and second supervisor broke up and I was left with just the first supervisor. Then, first and only supervisor disappears for a few months and I'm left with no supervisor at all. Later, first supervisor returns but refuses to give proper supervision saying he does not "believe" in it(weird..) .. This means: no training, no monthly meetings, no thesis planing, no planing at all.. He would see me if I had a result to show him and that is it! At this stage I should have mentioned already that I was in a lab surrounded by germans who spoke german all the time around me (including my supervisor).. I felt lonely and apart, without understanding what was going on for the majority of the time. No support, no help, no friends. The only non german speaker, apart from myself, was a technician (poor him), who eventually left after becoming depressed... guess why? Then ok, surviving all of this, I still had to fight against a crazy radiation inspector who hates my supervisor and who therefore decided he could seek some sort of revenge by messing up with me. He unfairly accused me of wrongdoing, a matter that triggered a total mess, starting with a formal complaint, followed by unlimited meetings with all sort of people in the school, professors, technicians, head of school, then students's Union.. After a couple of months everything eventually ended and I was back to work.. work, but with some bullshit supervision, no collaborations, no friendly lab mates.. hard methods, no one to teach, show, explain. I had to learn everything on my own, sometimes by trial and error, spending nights in the lab, weekends in the lab. Stuff eventually worked out, got some interesting results. Time to put it together in a thesis but run out of funding! At that time, bloody supervisor who was suppose to cover for my expenses, but did not, said I could not finish! Although I had no money and therefore no time. Worked for 4 more months without a penny, got more results and told stupid supervisor I wanted to finish. He did not agree, I run away.. went to Portugal, wrote the thesis, came back, gave it to stupid supervisor who eventually skimmed through and guess what? He did not like the structure! Of course! We never discussed the structure before, ever! We never discussed anything related to my thesis ever! Stupid supervisor gave me his comments, I followed his advice.. at this point I just wanted to get rid of anything related to the PhD, so best do everything he wanted as long as that accelerates the process... But, surprise surprise, gave him the second version following his advice but again he did not like it! Yet, it was now based on his advice!! He said he had changed his mind.. Bullocks! therefore do it again! Third time writing my thesis up while still being asked to come to the lab because of course one cannot just write up a thesis full time.. there are experiments to run!! At this point I felt desperate, I was being used and abused. Without payment I was forced to come to the lab to keep my supervisor happy such that he would eventually read my thesis and give me corrections. But obviously he was delaying it, such that I would come to the lab more and more... it was insane. At a point he asked me to write a paper, a book chapter that was more than overdue. Out of desperation I said I could help, thinking ok, lets keep this guy happy. At the same time I asked and begged him to please read my thesis because I was struggling to live like this.. no money, no time, no sleep, no eating, feeling distressed and aggravated, trying to cope with everything. Plus the pressure at home to have my PhD finished and move on with my life which was the obvious thing to do! Got depressed. Yet did not give up. Wrote the book chapter, did the experiments and eventually got my thesis mostly corrected with some exceptions. It came to a point I could not take it any longer. My sanity was at risk, my health was severely jeopardized by all the stress.. it had been a year with no money, working night and day.. days in the lab, nights at the computer writing and reading.. lost 8Kg, my face was like a zombie's face. I could barely stand up, no strength in my legs, couldn't eat, couldn't sleep. Decision made: hand in the thesis; tell supervisor to piss off! No second supervisor to ask for help, eventually got some support from a colleague and some other academics who could see it... supervisor went nuts with my attitude and is seeking revenge... kicked my name out of the book chapter I had devoted time to write: I filed a complaint against him. Rumour has that he is currently willing to destroy me. I do not know how, we do not talk, but I know he is mad and evil. I just want to get this done. I think I can tell that this means more than anything now. Good news are that I got a job, the job I wanted! Thus I just really have to pass the viva after tomorrow and everything will hopefully go back to normality I can go back to my real self. In hindsight I know today that I should have quit my PhD right at the beginning when I sensed all of this. I knew it! I truly did, but somewhat there was something in me that did not let me quit.. I think I always believed I would be strong enough to make it through, was I? I will tell you later ;)
Monday 16 January 2012
The roads into my PhD..
Like I said in my last post, I am currently looking for a job as I have recently submitted my PhD thesis (I still cannot believe it entirely...) Today, I spent pretty much the whole day looking into job advertisements, recruitment companies websites and thus spotting possible future employers. At the same time I wrote a list of skills and assets I gained, mostly from my PhD, such that I can fix and update my CV, also I spent quite some time surfing in Linkedin..
Linkedin became quite useful as it quickly helped me remembering and learning about a lot of possible employers. At the same time, however, it diverted my attention to the forums of questions and answers that are constantly going on as part of the groups that one can take part.. I am myself part of quite a few groups that I joined for one reason or another.. from time to time, and more often than I would wish, I receive, in my email box, these questions and these debates and frequently realize they are redundant. The same questions and issues are raised several times and go on forever.. I reckon that is because they are indeed prevalent within the population and important matters to be discussed of course.. In particular, there is this question about "Why did you do your PhD" or "shall I hide my PhD in my next job application" of course these questions are posed directly to people who have done PhD's but who are very much willing to leave academia for good...
Reading all this, I could not help it but rethink on my entire decision of first having thought of doing a PhD and secondly having done it, or most of it.. (not 100% finished but confident enough that I will pass my dissertation exam.. hopefully... mixed feelings here)..
At the same time I came across this blog article from a guy I know and I discovered today is doing a PhD himself.. (sorry I didnt know about that).. Besides the article being really well written I think it explains very well why most people, who have a scientific background, are dragged into this kind of life.. aka PhD/research servant forced to get accustomed to a tyrant supervisor who has no respect for the fact that his students is a human being with personal aspirations and instead simply sees a brain on a stick... as very well characterized by Jorge Cham (PhD comics says it all)...
But Ok.. I am diverting a little bit from the message I wanted to convey today which was basically to explain how I came to do a PhD... So basically and to cut a fairly long story, it was when I was in the final stages of my undergrad degree that the word PhD reached my vocabulary.. I was undertaking my final year research project and quite successfully, I not only set up an entire new lab, as I performed good research, later appreciated by my supervisors and pretty much all the scholars around. On top of that I still did some teaching and master students supervision.. all in all it was a great achievement and I got the best mark ever achieved for this discipline, 19 out of 20! During this time I was heavily persuaded into pursuing a PhD not only by the academics around me, including my professors, but as well by the job market.. Before I just wanted to finish my degree and get a job, that's it. A cousin of mine had done a PhD some time ago and struggled to get a job due to over qualification, so I knew that should be something to avoid.. but somehow I went straight to it... After applying for a few research technician jobs without success, it seemed right to do a PhD, specially because it was very easy to get it.. Also, the job positions that seemed right for me at that time, they all required a PhD or extensive research experience, thus again, the PhD appeared to be the right and only thing to do..
Yet, I thought ok.. I can do a PhD BUT I should be in a project that is, in some way, linked to industry or involving industry partners, because, in fact, I never thought or planed to becoming an academic. Thus, I looked into this possibility and luckily and happily found the ideal PhD project for me. Unfortunately, the good things end here. 6 months later and my PhD project had to cease because the company I was collaborating with, and which was subsidizing the research, was in serious struggle to keep things up as the economic crisis spreaded all over Europe (we were in 2008). Consequently, my funding was cut and I was left with two options: give up and look for another project in a different place, essentially start it over from the PhD hunting point, or continue in the same place but changing the topic and the domain a little bit and doing a purely academic PhD just like the majority of people do.
I must say that by then I was already quite disappointed with many things regarding the PhD, and perhaps I should have quitted and tried to find a normal job and forget the entire PhD thing altogether... but me being me, giving up was not something that could be accepted, I do not accept defeat, ever, therefore my decision was to continue. That is, I did the most academic PhD one can ever plan, have two journal publications, can perhaps have 2 or three more, yet the things went so badly that at present I don't know whether I can be bother... I know one thing though.. I am going to leave this "world" and use whatever skills I achieved to be starting it, even if from scratch, in a different world. That was what I always wanted, so not giving up the dream! Say, it just got a little bit delayed...
One day I am going to write a post about the do and donts and my personal experience during the PhD, but I am going to leave it to another time, as this post is far too long already.. Thus for now I keep searching for a suitable career for the "after PhD life".
Linkedin became quite useful as it quickly helped me remembering and learning about a lot of possible employers. At the same time, however, it diverted my attention to the forums of questions and answers that are constantly going on as part of the groups that one can take part.. I am myself part of quite a few groups that I joined for one reason or another.. from time to time, and more often than I would wish, I receive, in my email box, these questions and these debates and frequently realize they are redundant. The same questions and issues are raised several times and go on forever.. I reckon that is because they are indeed prevalent within the population and important matters to be discussed of course.. In particular, there is this question about "Why did you do your PhD" or "shall I hide my PhD in my next job application" of course these questions are posed directly to people who have done PhD's but who are very much willing to leave academia for good...
Reading all this, I could not help it but rethink on my entire decision of first having thought of doing a PhD and secondly having done it, or most of it.. (not 100% finished but confident enough that I will pass my dissertation exam.. hopefully... mixed feelings here)..
At the same time I came across this blog article from a guy I know and I discovered today is doing a PhD himself.. (sorry I didnt know about that).. Besides the article being really well written I think it explains very well why most people, who have a scientific background, are dragged into this kind of life.. aka PhD/research servant forced to get accustomed to a tyrant supervisor who has no respect for the fact that his students is a human being with personal aspirations and instead simply sees a brain on a stick... as very well characterized by Jorge Cham (PhD comics says it all)...
But Ok.. I am diverting a little bit from the message I wanted to convey today which was basically to explain how I came to do a PhD... So basically and to cut a fairly long story, it was when I was in the final stages of my undergrad degree that the word PhD reached my vocabulary.. I was undertaking my final year research project and quite successfully, I not only set up an entire new lab, as I performed good research, later appreciated by my supervisors and pretty much all the scholars around. On top of that I still did some teaching and master students supervision.. all in all it was a great achievement and I got the best mark ever achieved for this discipline, 19 out of 20! During this time I was heavily persuaded into pursuing a PhD not only by the academics around me, including my professors, but as well by the job market.. Before I just wanted to finish my degree and get a job, that's it. A cousin of mine had done a PhD some time ago and struggled to get a job due to over qualification, so I knew that should be something to avoid.. but somehow I went straight to it... After applying for a few research technician jobs without success, it seemed right to do a PhD, specially because it was very easy to get it.. Also, the job positions that seemed right for me at that time, they all required a PhD or extensive research experience, thus again, the PhD appeared to be the right and only thing to do..
Yet, I thought ok.. I can do a PhD BUT I should be in a project that is, in some way, linked to industry or involving industry partners, because, in fact, I never thought or planed to becoming an academic. Thus, I looked into this possibility and luckily and happily found the ideal PhD project for me. Unfortunately, the good things end here. 6 months later and my PhD project had to cease because the company I was collaborating with, and which was subsidizing the research, was in serious struggle to keep things up as the economic crisis spreaded all over Europe (we were in 2008). Consequently, my funding was cut and I was left with two options: give up and look for another project in a different place, essentially start it over from the PhD hunting point, or continue in the same place but changing the topic and the domain a little bit and doing a purely academic PhD just like the majority of people do.
I must say that by then I was already quite disappointed with many things regarding the PhD, and perhaps I should have quitted and tried to find a normal job and forget the entire PhD thing altogether... but me being me, giving up was not something that could be accepted, I do not accept defeat, ever, therefore my decision was to continue. That is, I did the most academic PhD one can ever plan, have two journal publications, can perhaps have 2 or three more, yet the things went so badly that at present I don't know whether I can be bother... I know one thing though.. I am going to leave this "world" and use whatever skills I achieved to be starting it, even if from scratch, in a different world. That was what I always wanted, so not giving up the dream! Say, it just got a little bit delayed...
One day I am going to write a post about the do and donts and my personal experience during the PhD, but I am going to leave it to another time, as this post is far too long already.. Thus for now I keep searching for a suitable career for the "after PhD life".
Monday 9 January 2012
In a different world
Hello world!
That's me back to life... guess what? I submitted my thesis, and all of a sudden everything became bright and colourful again! Life is back in my veins and I feel alive again... And as for writing the blog I am back too :) not that it matters much, as I don't write that well nor I even write interesting stuff but for now I use it as entertainment! And for practising my writing as it turns out that it is not my strongest skill.. I realized that when I was writing up my thesis.. At times I realize that I could not really convey the message into readable and clear text.. I think that might have to due with the fact that I think much faster than I write, specially in a foreign language and therefore the text becomes confusing, and most times says nothing of what I had originally thought.. so I better dedicate my career to something where writing is not crucial to have success.. but as a perfectionist I am and because I realize it it quite important to write even if your life does not dependent on it.. I will put some effort in writing my blog and continuing using it to express myself, my thoughts and my experiences as I used to do when I started it.
Over the time during the last year I was rather absence. The Phd sucked all my free time, even my eating and sleeping time, so the blog became forgotten...
Now that it is almost over.. I am just waiting for the exam .. viva voce as it is known in the UK.. I have time to dedicate to writing some lines here, as often as I feel like.
As this post is only about coming back to blogging I am not going to speak about any other subject for now other than highlighting that I feel reborn!!
And that I am now dedicating my time to improving my life and finding a job.
At present I haven't yet got a clue of what I am going to do next or where I am going to be doing it.. as due to the job market it is difficult to tell where my job is going to be.. I will essentially apply everywhere to job positions I find somehow appellative and see what happens.. I am hopeful to get to some interviews at least.. At the same time I decided to learn another language, its either going to be Chinese, which I plan to start soon, but if I have to go to germany for a job, it will have to be german.. for obvious reasons... then another new year's resolutions, or new life's resolutions (shall be the correct way of saying it).. I also committed to learn how to program and do it religiously like a school course where I am going to dedicate some good time to it.. I find that nowadays one who cannot program is almost illiterate let alone the advantages it can bring with regard to finding a job or being involved in a particular task in the future.. so Chinese and programming are my focus for now while I will try to enjoy myself as much as I can, apply for jobs and perhaps even get a part time in a restaurant, bar or cafe to earn some money for the time being..
Lets see how it goes, I wish myself good luck and I must say I feel really good about it!
That's me back to life... guess what? I submitted my thesis, and all of a sudden everything became bright and colourful again! Life is back in my veins and I feel alive again... And as for writing the blog I am back too :) not that it matters much, as I don't write that well nor I even write interesting stuff but for now I use it as entertainment! And for practising my writing as it turns out that it is not my strongest skill.. I realized that when I was writing up my thesis.. At times I realize that I could not really convey the message into readable and clear text.. I think that might have to due with the fact that I think much faster than I write, specially in a foreign language and therefore the text becomes confusing, and most times says nothing of what I had originally thought.. so I better dedicate my career to something where writing is not crucial to have success.. but as a perfectionist I am and because I realize it it quite important to write even if your life does not dependent on it.. I will put some effort in writing my blog and continuing using it to express myself, my thoughts and my experiences as I used to do when I started it.
Over the time during the last year I was rather absence. The Phd sucked all my free time, even my eating and sleeping time, so the blog became forgotten...
Now that it is almost over.. I am just waiting for the exam .. viva voce as it is known in the UK.. I have time to dedicate to writing some lines here, as often as I feel like.
As this post is only about coming back to blogging I am not going to speak about any other subject for now other than highlighting that I feel reborn!!
And that I am now dedicating my time to improving my life and finding a job.
At present I haven't yet got a clue of what I am going to do next or where I am going to be doing it.. as due to the job market it is difficult to tell where my job is going to be.. I will essentially apply everywhere to job positions I find somehow appellative and see what happens.. I am hopeful to get to some interviews at least.. At the same time I decided to learn another language, its either going to be Chinese, which I plan to start soon, but if I have to go to germany for a job, it will have to be german.. for obvious reasons... then another new year's resolutions, or new life's resolutions (shall be the correct way of saying it).. I also committed to learn how to program and do it religiously like a school course where I am going to dedicate some good time to it.. I find that nowadays one who cannot program is almost illiterate let alone the advantages it can bring with regard to finding a job or being involved in a particular task in the future.. so Chinese and programming are my focus for now while I will try to enjoy myself as much as I can, apply for jobs and perhaps even get a part time in a restaurant, bar or cafe to earn some money for the time being..
Lets see how it goes, I wish myself good luck and I must say I feel really good about it!
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